Archive for July, 2008

I tore up my thumb the weekend before last, so life will be left handed for the next three months.

It’s kind of frustrating to be left handed but in all reality it was my fault. A lot of things seem to be a result of my faults lately. I’ve been contemplating the act and commitment of quitting drinking after this last stunt I pulled. The sad thing is that I actually have to think about it. It used to be that I could just stop if I wanted to…but the more you do something, the harder it is to stop.

I have had huge amounts of “friend time” and that has helped to some great extent but despite my best efforts I can’t stop thinking about her. [ahh that's the vicodin kicking in...] She’s in the back of my drugged mind every day now. Even while heavily intoxicated… I don’t know if it’s because she’s not obtainable or if I really do still love her. It sounds sad but it’s the truth.

She told me ” i see a future for us”. I said “I don’t”. Now my ever regretful mind tells me “Wait! I think there’s a future there too!”. To my fear, she is not a part of my future, at least for now. Maybe someday I will get to see her smile again, to feel her skin against mine and run my fingers through her smooth hair.I’m not concerned with her seeing someone else. Although i don’t know what my pathetic self would do if it ever heard “i’m in love” from those perfect lips of hers.

For now, I’ll sit here on this gusty front porch atop a rusty swinging bench, cigarette perched and puffed in my mouth.

Drugged and detached.